Category: s.h.i.e.l.d.

lwtwinteriron:

Nick Fury: Of course I care about all the avengers equally

Maria Hill: They were attacked while you were gone

Nick Fury: Are Tony and Carol okay??

That’s just the way it is.

Tony: Look at Fury. He’s pacing slowly. For him, that’s like a full on rage fueled freak out.

Natasha: The only thing worse is when he stands perfectly still.

Clint: Oh, no. He’s standing perfectly still.

Fury: And we’re back to the obvious. Now, what’s up?

Steve: Well, uh, okay, um, I don’t want to get back together with Tony. We tried it, it was crazy, it didn’t work, but I can’t deal with the fact that he slept with my friend Bucky. So I’m just completely confused and alone.

Fury: I understand.

Steve: Got any advice?

Fury: Yes. Buck up.

Tony: Whoa. What’s with the cast?

Fury: I sprained my wrist.

Steve: Oh, no! What happened?

Fury: Don’t worry about it. I’m fine.

Tony: Yeah! Geez, Steve. Back off. Leave the guy alone. [Fury walks out of earshot] All right, huddle up, everybody. Bring it in, bring it in! So he wouldn’t say what happened, which can only mean one thing-

Thor: He’s in a fight club!

Tony: No. He did it doing something he’s embarrassed by, like smiling. Only question is, how do you hurt your arm smiling?

Fury: Attention, everyone, I can hear you speculating about the nature and origin of my injury from my office. I tripped over an uneven sidewalk. I did not think it was relevant to your jobs, the jobs which you should all be doing right now. Get to work.

*later*

Fury: Do you wanna know how I actually hurt my wrist?

Tony: Yes.

Fury: I was hula-hooping. [shows Tony a picture on his phone] Maria and I attend a class for fitness and for fun. I’ve mastered all the moves. The pizza toss The tornado The scorpion, the oopsie doodle.

Tony: [gasps] Why are you telling me this?

Fury: Because no one will ever believe you. [deletes picture and walks away laughing darkly]

Tony: Who is this?
Fury: Motherfucker!
Tony: How can I tell them apart if you keep calling all my teammates motherfucker?

Tony: Why are you like this?
Fury: I’ve used too much ‘no more tears’ shampoo as a child and I haven’t felt a single emotion since then.

Fury: Stark, do know you have an attitude problem?
Tony: Yeah, but it’s just a little one.

Steve: So, why do you put up with him?
Fury: Because I’m desperate, that’s why. And because Tony Stark is a great man, and I think one day, if we’re very, very lucky, he might even be a good one.

Tony: You must be joking!
Fury: I assure you, I am not. I was born with a rare disorder that prevents me from experiencing humor.
Tony: [laughs]
Fury:

I don’t understand that sound you’re making with your mouth.

Tony: Nick, thank you for agreeing to see me.
Nick: I didn’t. You just walked in here and started talking.
Tony: I don’t have time for a history lesson.