Category: original: the big bang theory

Regular

Steve: So, tell me about your day, how’s it going with the particle detector?

Tony: Wow, you remember that?

Steve: Yeah, I listen to what you say. You’re building a particle detector using superfluid helium.

Tony: You know, when you talk like that, I want to take you right here on this table.

Steve: And you know from past experience this table cannot support both our weight. So, how’s the detector going?

Regular

Steve: “Dear Pepper, thank you so much for the lovely place setting. If my handwriting looks strained, that is because this is the 16th thank you card Steve has forced me to write. The muscles in my wrist are cramping as I struggle to finish this sentence. Ow, ow, oh, the pain. Love, Tony.”

Tony: Fine. “And Steve.” Ow.

Regular

Steve: Hey, you guys have any plans for Valentine’s Day?

Bucky: Three months from now? No.

Tony: What, no?

Bucky: I mean, secret romantic plans that would be ruined if I told you.

Regular

Tony: How’s this for a compromise; make all the schedules you want. Just don’t tell me about them.

Bruce: Excellent. I’ll create an algorithm that’ll generate a pseudo-random schedule. And do you know why it won’t be a true random schedule?

Tony:

Because the generation of true random numbers remains an unsolved problem in computer science.

Bruce:

Come with me.

Tony:

Where are we going?

Bruce:

To the Hotel room. And when we get there I’m gonna need you to say that again, except naked.

Regular

Clint: And as long as we’re talking about betraying our friends, how about the month Tony spent grinding up insects and mixing them into Bruce’s food?

Tony: Excuse me! That was not a betrayal. That was an experiment to see at what concentration food starts tasting… mothy.

Bruce: You put moths in my food?!

Tony: For science!

Regular

Steve: [about getting back with Tony] I’ll give it a shot.

Rhodey: Thank you. Now I’m going to do something here to help you along.

Steve:

Excuse me?

Rhodey:

Just don’t panic. Now, get your sorry, lying ass out of my face and make sure I never see it again!

Steve:

Oh, the reverse psychology thing. I see. That’s very clever.

Rhodey:

Don’t yap. Just get out.

Steve:

I’ll friend you on Facebook.

Regular

Tony: Steve’s friend, Bucky, stopped by and said “hello” and I said “hoo!”

Rhodey: Hoo?

Tony: Bucky

.

Rhodey: Then why did you ask?

Tony: Ask what?

Rhodey: Who?

Tony: Bucky

.

Regular

Steve: [about Tony] You slept with my godson?

Bucky: Yeah.

Clint: How could you? We had a pact!

Steve: Excuse me, I think “How could you? He’s my godson” takes precedence over a five year old pinkie swear.

Regular

[Rhodey sees Bucky kissing Tony]

Tony: C’mon, Honey, not in front of my best friend!

Rhodey: Relax, I’ve seen you do a lot worse with a lot stupider.

Regular

Bruce: Let me see if I can explain your situation using physics. What would you be if you were attached to another object, by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis?

Tony: Screwed.