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Tony: You have to learn to love yourself.
Peter: But Mr. Stark, don’t you hate yourself?
Tony: This is about you. Stay focused.
Natasha: Finally! Where have you two been?
Steve: We had to do some planning, and then we had go eat, and then some stuff happened, you know.
Natasha: Your shirt is inside out.
Tony: That’s the “stuff”.
Bucky: [squishing Tony’s face between two pieces of bread, idiot sandwich style] What are you?
Tony: A snack.
Kidnapped again. Tony has lost count of the numerous times some idiot thought it was a good idea to kidnap him. He’s got to give these guys props, though. They grabbed him in one of the most non-suspicious ways.
Tony was standing in line at a Starbucks, waiting to order some coffee and a croissant because he hadn’t had breakfast. Three big men in suits and earpieces pull him out of the line, saying, “Mr. Stark, we need you to come with us. Your life is in danger.” Not leaving any room for argument, they sweep him out of the Starbucks and into a limo parked out front. They sure do know how to kidnap in style.
Now Tony’s not panicking, but he is annoyed. He is starving, and they had the gall to nab him before he ate. His captors have stuck a bag over his head to mask where they’re going, but Tony’s not an idiot. He’s driven over the road many, many times. “Hey guys?” He asks. “I don’t want to, like, make you late on your kidnapping, but can we please stop at the McDonald’s that’s a block away? I am starving, and I need a coffee.”
“No.” The head honcho rejects his genius suggestion.
“Please? I swear, I won’t even try to get the drive-thru person’s attention. I am just starving, and I won’t be very helpful at all on an empty stomach.” Fine. Just drive past the McDonald’s if you must.
“Shut up, Stark.”
“Ok, listen. I am hungry. VERY hungry, and pretty soon, I am going to get angry. And, sorry Bruce, for stealing your phrase, but you don’t want to see me when I’m hangry. I will be annoying and sulky at the same time. Rhodey would tell you that it’s a good idea to not make me hangry. He’s had to deal with it once, and he has never made that mistake again. Look, honestly, there’s a Chick-fila in three blocks. Get me a chicken biscuit, some hash browns, and an frosted coffee. I will sit here nice and quietly and will not alert anyone. I just want some food.” Tony rambles.
Mr. Leader Dude says, “Oh my gosh. Fine. If I get you this, will you shut up as well?”
Henchman guy sitting next to Tony asks, “How the heck do you know where we’re going?”
“Why do you think that I don’t know where I’m going is the real question, honestly.“
Twenty minutes later, following the tracker in Tony’s watch, James Rhodes finds Tony walking out of a warehouse, drinking a Chick-fila frosted coffee. “Five star kidnapping,” Tony tells him. “They even got me food. No kidnapper has ever done that before.”
“Only you, Tones,” Rhodey shakes his head. “Only you.”
10/10, will get kidnapped again xD
Peter: [sits down and stares at the wall]
Tony: Pete? What’s wrong?
Peter: Mr. Stark, did you know that ‘rap’ stands for ‘rhyme and poetry’?
Tony: [sits down and joins Peter in staring at the wall]
Tony: You call it a near-death experience, I call it a vibe check from God.
Bucky: [smacks him upside the head]
Steve: Quick! You have to hide me!
Natasha: What? Why? What’s wrong?
Steve: I jokingly told Tony that I don’t believe in oxygen. Now he’s on the war path! Please….hide me.